Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
