Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
