Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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