I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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