My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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