I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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