I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
