I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
