So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
