I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
