Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
