she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
