Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
