just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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