I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
