Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We are all done wearing pants today
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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