this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
