just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
