I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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