I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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