my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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