two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
