you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
