Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
