I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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