I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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