I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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