Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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