I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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