took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
