So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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