My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
