I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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