if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
