If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
