Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
