There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
