My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
