This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
