@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
