I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
