no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
