Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
