I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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