My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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