i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
