If i could tip my vagina, i would.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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