I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
