In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
