My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He better not be in your backpack
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
