Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
