My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
