I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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